Letters to myself

Dear old and Grey 40 Yr Old Abul Layth,

 You can do it! Your mom is probably old now, and insha’Allah in good health. Your children at 20 or near it. Wow! They grew quick! Maybe they are married, have kids, and your a grand-dad. Maybe, your beautiful precious little A-grey is still alive, biting and knawing, or snuggling even. Your wife, well, you know how you feel so I don’t need to tell you. Did you get your stupid degree you worked your arse off for? I hope so. Did you finish the muraqaba dars? I hope so. Did you memorize the Qur’an? If you didn’t shame on you. Your shaykh is probably not alive anymore. If he is, you should go sit with him some more before he does go, ghafar allahu lahu. I wonder who your friends are now! Where do you live? Are you still as good a chef as you were when you were 24? Where do you work? Do you like it? Ya probably not. Do you hear the adhaan for every salah? Did you ever become Canadian? Did you renounce your citizenship in America? hmmm….

 Did Abu Usaama ever get married? Did he ever contract a slave? Poor fella! Have you ever forgotten your jahali days? Do you remember those moments of deep-rooted love? Those “out of this world” moments you still contemplate at 23? If your still alive, you should ask yourself what major lesson you have learned in life. What regrets do you have Abul Layth? The same that you did at 23? Or have they changed now? Have you matured or moved on from those ‘momentous’ heart jitters you got in your stupid youth? Do you remember the beauty of Zaki and Layth as children? How they played and argued. How they burst at the seams with intelligent and energy. At 23 you have a couple of grey hairs, how many do you have now? I suppose I whole head! 

What happened with your brothers? Any of them accept the deen? Remember the days of intimacy with Nayl Al Awtaar. When Imam Ash-Shawkaani was your friend and his texts your letters of love. Remember when you  thought he was da man! Da bomb-diggity! Then you fell in love with ibn Hajr. Remember? Ya ! Those were the days!

 I’ll write to you later insha’Allah …

Sincerly,

Your younger self.