Years ago, when I became Muslim and began attending the madrasah, I met one of the sons of the Imam of the community, whose name was Khadir. He was a bright young man, whose aspirations seemed endless. Though we had few discussions, his kind and smiling demeanor impacted me positively. In one of our discussions I asked him what his major would be at Indiana University and he told me he intended to go into medicine. As he was attending, he got into a fight with some white students - so I was told - and later was sent to prison for I think a couple of years - I am uncertain.
When he was released, he was totally different man. I remember very clearly that his demeanor changed, he became ‘inward’. He would stay with his father in the masjid, but something wasn’t right. I tried several times to talk to him, only to be avoided. I was puzzled. What happened to the young man who was so kind, had great akhlaaq, and was part of a family that was very loving? I recall one day I had just missed the jama’ah in the masjid, as did khadir, and we made Salah together. After Salah I saw an opportunity to converse. ‘So how are you?’ I asked. ‘Ok’. Khadir says as if he doesn’t want to talk. Khadir, you remember those times we shot some hoops and so and so got schooled? *He smiles* - and without saying a word, walks off with salams. Just like that! Nothing more!
It wasn’t but a few months later he killed a security officer at a local university here.
You can read the story here: http://www.theindychannel.com/news/3758076/detail.html#
I admit that I go to that site sometimes just to look at his picture, just to see his face again. The picture does not do him justice however. He always smiled. This man was not close to me by any means. It is his story, however, that has penetrated my innermost. I simply can not move on from this incident. It has been four years, yet, at random moments I still see him sitting in the corner of the masjid, looking ‘out of place’, as if he were not even there at all. This was a young man who attended an Islamic school, started by his very own mother. His family upstanding, as was he. Yet, in only a wink into time, everything about him changed. Gone!
Some may be reading this and asking why did he do what he did…Well I know why! His mind and spirit were broken. He could no longer think rationally, for his mind felt betrayed, abandoned for so long as he stay in prison without the company he previously had. His mind felt out of place as it entered the “real” realm again.
Or maybe something happened to him in prison that he never told anyone about - which I think is the most possible reason. Maybe he had PTSD…
I’m not certain how to get the rest of my thoughts and feelings expressed in this post. There is so much I want to say, so many theories my mind has concocted over these years since it occured. Though there is a principle I draw from all of this: The mind is incredibly fragile. All of us think we are sane - even if we jokingly say we aren’t. What I saw, in a matter of months, was a man wanting to become a doctor, turning into a paranoid, out of place, traumitised man - a beaten Muslim - broken by the ’system’.
In truth, I am not certain his story will ever stop haunting my mind. In every attempt I make to rationalise this incident, I only find myself affirming the fact that Allah 
is truly the only one in control. It is His decision to do with us what he wants. You think you are rational, stable in mind and faith, yet in moments all that you work so hard for, all that you ‘are’ is stripped from you…
That’s it. Its over…Just like that!
A patient I was with today who has cancer was hallucinating. They took their hand and began reaching for the ceiling. I asked them what they were reaching for, they didn’t answer…Again I asked…then they said, ‘I am reaching for life’.
For life I am reaching
clinging, hoping
yet the more I reach for it
the more it keeps slipping away
Realizing its all not worth it
Realizing “life” is only worth living for The Eternal
Not Worth Living for the mundane!